i throw coins in the wishing well

and so it ends

2007-06-12T00:49:00.000+08:00

so. i've sold my online soul to livejournal.

so this one's sort of dead?

i'm not posting the link.

peace. world peace. and fuck you.

is the life that you're living a lie?

2007-06-04T05:38:00.000+08:00

i hate unfinished business.
i hate leaving things hanging.
i hate the fact that i have yet to apologise.
i hate not talking to you.
i hate knowing that this could have been avoided.
i hate thinking about you.
i hate thinking about you, after so long.
i hate not saying anything.
i hate seeing you online. and not saying hi.
i hate typing an sms and not sending it.
i hate saying that i want to talk to you. and not doing anything.
i hate you, hating me.
i hate knowing what to do now. and not then.
i hate hanging on to absolutely nothing.
i hate the fact that i made you sound so cheap.
i hate not caring enough.
i hate thinking about us.
i hate myself for being a total idiot.

i'm sorry. dreams, dreams, dreamer, dreaming.

sometimes i wonder is the life that you're living is a lie, and if i am actually in it. i hope you know. that i know. that you know, that i want to bother.

i hate magic. i'd give it anything.

i resent that i don't have a choice

2007-05-18T01:37:00.000+08:00

and somehow. i'm back to fucking square one.

i think i've been here before. a number of times.
you were such a help. i hope you get lost.
get lost in the mountains. get lost in the rain.
drift all you like. from the pacific to the artic.

i'm going out for a little drive. i hope its the last time you see me alive.
the needle won't go in. the plastered wrist bleeds.
the cerebral assassin strikes again. trying to asphyxiate you.
where is the blood? i've forgotten the pain.

i was your private dancer. i wanted to.
your own jester. in your court and palace.
i'm your dog. i'm your lapdog no more. bitch.
i tumbled like a clown. you laugh as you see me drown.
a million feelings under anaesthetic. i can't feel anything.
i don't want to. i'm going under. under cover.
call me sometime. i'd leave you feeling this way too.

fuck you. seriously. fuck you dominic.

tell me are you comfortable if comfortable at all.

2007-05-16T12:49:00.000+08:00

the eraser once said: please excuse me, but i got to ask. are you only being nice because you want something?

so do i. so do i.

the eraser also said: you know the answer so why do you ask. i am only being nice because i want someone, something.

do i now?

thom always has the words for situations.

=)

2007-05-12T02:03:00.000+08:00

fitter, happier, more productive,
comfortable,
not drinking too much,
regular exercise at the gym
(3 days a week),
getting on better with your associate employee contemporaries,
at ease,
eating well
(no more microwave dinners and saturated fats),
a patient better driver,
a safer car
(baby smiling in back seat),
sleeping well
(no bad dreams),

you make believe that you are still in charge

2007-05-06T02:08:00.000+08:00

anyone wants spiderman 3 tickets? show is on the 7th of May(TMRW!) at 6.40 p.m.
let me know a.s.a.p. i don't know what to do with the tickets. =(

i sort of regret, tell you guys. what happened. big fucking mistake.

this is what dreams shouls always be.
the memory fades, like a cold winter sunset.
a harp in tune with the angel of music.
my little girl died last night, in a crash.
i'm sorry. don't you remember me?
you won't. you lost yourself to me.
and you deserve this. so.

i am up in the clouds

2007-05-05T00:50:00.000+08:00

a comfortable touch to say the least. =)

i hope. that. you've learnt your lesson. actually, you have not. i tried my best.

the drying of your tears. like a wet cigarette.
a computer on valium. the lights fade into oblivion
the lighting struck twice. new york and japan.
your artichoke heart, served with hatred.
bitter, seering heat. in your eyes. in them.
your hands, with bleeding wrists. i'm sorry.

omg, my poems are getting from bad to worse!

immerse your soul in love

2007-05-01T07:25:00.000+08:00

i can see you, but i can never reach you

2007-04-30T00:41:00.000+08:00

Quit playing Jesus. It does not work. I hate that. Just because i have not been going to church, doesn't mean I am happier. In fact, i hate it. Yeah but about changing parish', that is true. Oh well. Thank you for your concern. But do no play Jesus. Do not. But thank you.

an algebra test. favors for favors,
fond but not in love.
your vision is blocked. by the smoke. you don't want to.
your questions. rhetorical.
like fingers of the same hand. the piano remains silent.
i'll poison your wine. and talk to you.
the cigarette died. a carbon monoxcide handshake.

what the hell. 2 free tickets to watch spiderman 3. and what the hell do i do? idiot. haha! i am such an idiot!

prophetic juxtaposition

2007-04-29T02:21:00.000+08:00

all day, it's like a firebreathing witchunt.
of local hypocrites and HER.
they reach for their bibles, and crosses
seemingly in control.
so quick to judge both the living and the dead;
she's begging you to stop. please fuckin don't.

this is fucked up. put me down. like the mongrel cat next door.
they sat there jeering and waving. jeering and waving.
i don't know why, i sat down in the cupboard.
can't you see that i'm running away from you?
NO ONE LIKES A SMARTASS. WE'LL ARREST THE POLICE.

naked and afraid, she came to you.
bread, shelter and a bed.
the ignorance pierced you too, like your labret. you knew!(FUCK!)
but you don't have that love inside your acidic blood.
try to say you're sorry!
try to make things work!

"as long as you don't panic! the answer is within your reach!
i think i like you, and i want to.
it's wrong. but just freakin maybe.
i like it."

-one of the best so far.

thom yorke's eraser "wannabe"

i love you thom. i really do.

=). true feelings.

the funniest thing is. i bet no one will know what this song is about!

the more i try to erase you, the more you appear.

2007-04-26T01:09:00.000+08:00

Blessie! My Angel of Music! Ha!
Thank you for the lovely evening! =)

Phantom. Awesome. I want to watch it again. I seriously do. I WANT TO WATCH PHANTOM OF THE OPERA AGAIN. This maybe be direct, or it might not. I don't really care. =)!

But the company was so much better. Ok being the only guy, was funny. But not seeing you guys everyday, has become weird. But I'll look forward to meet-ups and Pasir Ris Park "Lepak" sessions. =)

The heat has been such a bitch recently. I cannot help but blame us Humans. Its almost as if, we don't care. But like, we're the ones who are going to die. Just like dinosaurs. The number of cars on the road. The environment is not something sacred anymore. Ok hypocrite. I do not do my part. I admit. I don't. But still, I mean, it's happening. That thing, that some dude said would happen. It's happening. I don't remember what was said, or who said it. But it was something like. AH! Homer Simpson! Yes yes. But seriously, I wish we could do something about it. Time is running out for us. The clock cannot turn itself back.

Freakin fights in Isreal. Hamas militants firing rockets in. A bomb blast in Indonesia. It all adds up and contributes. These factors are important. It's sickening. But at the same time, (to quote THOM YORKE,) 'we just can't anything about it'.

On a better note. Somehow i feel so much happier now. I mean. I don't know why. I think it's Sarah. Yeah, after the talking to i got. I kinda woke up. Damn it. Negativity. Shoo shooo.

Brian Molko and Jane Birkin. Awesome song. "SMILE".

So smile, smile And the whole world will smile with you So smile, Baby, smile If the whole world just had a clue

My thoughts are more positive. I kind of do have more confidence. As in seriously, but i don't know what to do with it. Anyone wants to erm? Eat a whale? I'm confident! haha What do i do with confidence!??!?!?

on another happy note. MAN U BEAT AC MILAN 3-2. ROONEY IN THE 91st! Ronaldo under performed! Hopefully they come off with a draw at the San Siro. Not and easy place to go with 2 away goals scored against you!

so to me you'll never fade

2007-04-24T03:36:00.000+08:00

fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck!
if only i did my duty as a friend and forced you to go with my for the supp papers. that night i sms'd you. haha. damn it.
we'll still have fun. and church. and a whole lot of shit. you better join us for lunch often! in nyp.
god has a plan. i'm sure of that my dear brother. i'm sure of that. after all the rubbish we've done. 6 years and counting. =)
'i lubch euuuu'

amanda.diyy.joezer.sahi.sarahjane.

2007-04-20T03:41:00.000+08:00

if i could give you a hug right now. i would.
jack lied to me. a lot. an elliptical caress.
ego.pride.anger.hate.bitchy.bastard.negativity never late
you kicked it aside. like a crushed tin can.
i thought my guardian angel left.for good.
i guess, she just met up with you.
because i wasn't listening to her.

thank you. i spoke to sarah. btw. peace.

apologies for ruining a friendship.

red wine and sleeping pills.

2007-04-17T03:25:00.000+08:00

Last night. Was awful. Seriously. I cannot recall anything normal i have done ever since i went to school on Thursday. I have met up with Jack wayyyy to many times! Jack even came with me to school on Thursday. Managed to piss off a few people. Oh well, that's like another story.

But i see something i like. Whenever Jack is with me, i feel better. I feel more confident. More positivity. But very "Wildboyz-ish". Jack sort of answers quite a few questions i ask him. I asked him a few just now when we were spending time together. Got some awesome answers. Oh well.
For example:

Me: Hey Jack, why do i feel that certain people are not very happy with me? Like not very happy, but pretending to be happy?
Jack: Fuck them. Ignore them.

Me: Hey Jack, why do i feel so alone at 3a.m?
Jack: You've got me buddy.

Me: Hey Jack, what happens to the car now?
Jack: Screw that, you're Superman. You can fucking fly.

Everyone go. AWWWWWW..

yes, and i feel like a complete jerkoff. and it feels so weird. jillian, i told you. it feels so weird. and it's so retarded. why did i even think about it? oh well. haha. i am a complete jerkoff. something tells me i should apologise. but i don't want to get an "but you didn't do anything RIGHT?" reply to that. as usual. i end up on the losing end. it's always the case huh. =)

open your door, and let me in.
open your door, and i'll come in.
unlock your door, and i'll come in.
save it. i can't kickstart a dead horse.
i can't save a lit cigarette.
you beep like a phone underwater.

Radiohead. "How To Disappear Completely". Exactly how i feel.

http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/radiohead/howtodisappearcompletely.html

a pig in a cage on antibiotics.

2007-04-14T02:34:00.000+08:00

not a good time i guess. i mean staying alone is always like that. xbox, room, xbox. oh well.
honestly.
such a mixture of feelings/emotions. anger. disappointment. pessimism. excitement. hope. loneliness. i mean, the list can go on. but i really feel this way. and it is so damn ironic.(excitement and anger?)
i just cannot seem to think in a positive way. nothing good seems to be happening. i guess the class chalet helped, drinking always does. honestly, i'd love more confidence. i don't know, why people seem to keep telling me i am a nice guy, and i shouldn't give up, shouldn't keep thinking this way. but they are still not the people who bother calling. i mean, why would i call anyone at 0230 in the morning and go "hey, omg i feel so sad/frustrated/emo. let's talk". i'm not that thick - skinned. and the xbox isn't always that interesting.
i just think too much. maybe, i should just. stop bothering and give up. give up trying to do things for other people, knowing that nothing good is going to come out of it. god's telling me what a bad son i have been i suppose. but doesn't he like to taunt me so. the 2nd day of the chalet, when everyone left and i was alone. i had like, quiet time. that was so damn nice. like, i actually enjoyed what i was doing. the whole time. and i was happy. temporarily at least.

fuck, this is getting to be like an everyday affair. thinking. why do i even think so much? i have no idea. i always think of Staind's "Outside", there's a line in the song "but i feel, tomorrow will be ok", but tomorrow never seems to come. maybe i am just stuck here.

i don't remember who told me this at the chalet. but someone did for sure(unless i was talking to myself!). if you're fond of someone, it usually turns to love. but i think i fucking disagree with that. as in, if you don't let the person know. but if you do, then it's perfectly ok. i think it's seriously silly if you don't.(dumbass sit down and shut the hell up) but whoever told me that also told me that it's natural. well so are diet pills. pessimist talking. hello.

fitter, happier, more productive, comfortable, not drinking too much.

2007-04-13T16:22:00.000+08:00

funniest thing that happened!!
somehow i couldn't resist.
almost as if it was a dance. somehow i thought of it.
urgh.

and so it went down as insanity. alcohol.meat.pass out from drinking.wake up.drink.xbox and be lazy and start the fire alone.[=)]. benson, you gotta admit, the prank was funny. =)

i'm not living, i'm just killing time.

2007-04-08T03:43:00.000+08:00

I read Michelle Hon's email and just broke down. Yes folks, the Loser cried. Like, why did i even bother doubting God. (Romans 5:8 NIV) But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.

And after what Joe tagged, i remembered the reason i got the ink. I remember my exact feelings when i was getting it done.

I apologise for doubting. I shouldn't have.

And Man U lost. Sigh. How irritating.

Happy Easter to all!

thoughts of a dying atheist

2007-04-07T00:27:00.000+08:00

have you ever wanted to question God? i'm not talking about questions like, "Hey God, why is there murder and rape if you really love us?" i'm talking about comin some tough questions - along the lines of doubts and challenges.

I remember that The West Wing had an episode where the President spoke to God in a Cathedral, after his best friend died.

"I give thanks to you, O Lord. Am I really to believe that these are the acts of a loving God? A just God? A wise God? To hell with your punishments. I was your servant here on Earth. And I spread your word and I did your work. To hell with your punishments. To hell with you!"

shocked?well so was i. but President had a point, just that shouting to hell with God, isn't exactly cool.

i can't continue with this post. it wouldn't be right.

but i have lost faith.

i have seriously lost it. and my nights just got lonelier.

something for the rag and bone man.

2007-04-05T06:00:00.000+08:00

i think he would have appreciated it more.

Acid tongue. Venom words. Don't infect me with your poison.

Woman/Girls in general do not, I repeat, DO NOT appreciate what is done for them. Why don't you just let me know how many people in your bloody office want snacks? I'll queue up for another 3 hours, and wait almost another 3 to finally pass you stuff?
Patience? HA!, that's called fucking Stupidity. Take a cab waiting for your damn bloody sms. "Sorry i was having discussions." Woah! Holy crap. It's alright, i'll wait for you to bother replying. I don't really have a life, and i'm a fucking loser. Yeah. I'll sit at the bus stop. How exciting. Whooopdidooo!
Hungry, lonely, tired. Well who cares, i thought i could make your fucking days. But guess what, i don't care anymore. Yeah, with two jiggles of a jack rabbits ass, i don't give a damn. I will not talk to you. And i don't want to. It doesn't matter how busy you are, if you wanted to give me something more than a thanks, you can and will. But work rules! I was lazy to fucking queue, but i wanted to do it so damn badly. Thanks a lot.
"Oh I'll give you a hug when I'm back." HAHA! What?! Like that'll be totally rad! Fuck hugs, and group hugs and whatever. I don't need that shit. Just. Disappear. I'll continue to wait for you to bother calling in the wee hours. I'll wait, and wait and wait. Like a butterfly in a hurricane.

To top it all of, I actually bothered thinking about it. If i did it without thinking it would be cool. But i wanted to do it. A 6-hour wait is just 5 hours and 59 minutes too long.

i don't need a ticket with anything nice. i don't really fucking care. just go. work. work. work. yes, i'm childish. but i have a right to be.

Kenneth was right. Who needs them when it's just the three of us. Screw you. And you too.

all i do is, build sandcastles and kick them. i wish i could stop doing that. maybe i don't want to.

may pretty horses come to you as you sleep.

who needs sleep when you've got Radiohead. Thom Yorke. lyrical genius.

just 'cause you feel it doesn't mean its there

2007-04-04T04:55:00.000+08:00

says it all.

StupiDominic.

I
DOMINIC
I
O
T

maybe i should just fucking stop trying to surprise people and just surprise myself.

no more common dress or elliptical caress

2007-04-02T00:04:00.001+08:00

Kids in school, algebra test. Thomas is closest to the window, and he isn't sure of the answer. It's 3x. He hands up his paper and walks to the playground. The other kids want him to play. But he wasn't in the mood. He slept for hardly 2 hours so he could get full marks for the test. In exasperation he threw the scone on the floor, walked up to his best friend Harold (from the other class) and kicked him. "The answer was 3x you blooming idiot!"

"Get up. The next time you get anything less than full marks for you exams. You'd be praying for a split lip instead! Get back to them books! If only you were dead. I'd be a happier man. No more a Father!"

The walk home was a long one for Thomas. Every step he took, his anger grew. Strangely, he chose not to turn into Qisangham Cottage. He walked on. Somehow, he knew where he was going. Somehow, Thomas knew what he was going to do. Something seemed strange. Thomas was usually calm. Calm because he was afraid of his Father. Quiet because of fear. Motivated, by lashings.

Expectations? But why?

The railway station was quiet. Trains had not passed this place in a long time. The rest of us knew that it was the perfect place to come to. We always came here. There was something different about this place. It was dark, yet it seemed so lively.
Thomas sat down. His face, red.
The expectation weight me down. After years of waiting. Your expectations flash before my eyes. I'm a reasonable boy. Get off my case. Get off my case. Get off my case! I want the toys of other boys. The have skateboards and stuff from the City. I've had these toys since i was born. I'll show you. I'll show you. You never loved me anyway. I'll show you.
Thomas looked as if he was hiding something so badly. But how could a boy of 16, have such an aura about him. It was as if, he wanted to kill someone. Maybe he was, because he had a blade in his hand.

This is fucked up. Fucked up. I don't care what the future holds. I don't care where I end up. I can't take this. No one cares for me. No one loves me. I hate being alone. What is wrong with everyone. Can't they see the pain I am in? Can't they help? Yes I want attention. I want love.

I sat that watching helplessly as Thomas cut himself. But he seemed to be carving something. It was scary. He seemed to be oblivious to the pain. Almost as if, he was used to doing it. His left arm was covered with '3x'. So was his left leg. His face was not spared. But he cut his cheeks. Everyone knew his cheeks turned rosy everytime something funny took place. His cheeks turned rosy when he was angry as well. This time, he was covered in a crimson mask.

So you like my cheeks. Now there's nothing left to look at. Take that swines! I'm not your lap dog. I am not your lap dog.

Thomas started to walk towards the River. Just the other side of the hill. But he took an old bicycle he found by the shed in the Station. He pedalled to the place where all the young children were told not to go. The myth of a dragon living in these waters were not true, but solidified by the 3 sheep that went missing. But Thomas was at the shallowest part. It was only knee deep.

Finally. This pain means nothing. Cry me for. Cry for me.

He undressed, and stepped into the cold water in the nude. In the distance, the sound of whistles and men running could be heard. He had already been missing for more that 8 hours. He put his head under and took a deep breath.
Thomas was as complicating as algebra. No one knew what was in his mind. No one knew how he worked. All he wanted was

this is your chance for happiness.
i dream of being famous.
going to drama school.
my face will be on television.
you will cry at my songs.
resist me now, you're a mess.
you're like an animal in distress.
i'm invisible. like a cigarette in rebuttal.
you're like a pulse on a dead man.

walking out in a force ten gale.

2007-04-01T01:32:00.000+08:00

So? Is everything fine with you?
It's been awhile hasn't it?
Sweet. It'll be fun. I'm stoked.

Well i don't think i am that lucky. "Lucky Dominic"? What's the hell is that!?

What a boring April Fools' it's gonna be! I guess someone'll do something stupid.

And Manchester United are within touching distance of the title. Better yet, they've still got a FA Cup Semi Final and the honour of playing in the Champions League. Cristiano setting up 2 more goals as they annihilated Blackburn 4-1. Giggity giggity goo!

P.S: Fasting seems like a waste. I try, but nothing seems to be working. I might as well just stop. Well i should. Yeah. Whatever Mr. Pereira. Carls Junior Ahoy!

i'm living in cloud cuckoo land

2007-03-30T00:43:00.003+08:00

This might be the most random, and weirdest post yet. I feel Wee Lee Wong Kah-ish. Seriously.

Welcome to Cloud Cuckoo Land.
1. You build a Zeppelin and sail to the moon and the stars. Have fun!
2. Where the doors are always open to you.
3. Where you 'immerse your soul in love'.
4. Where chocolates don't make you fat.
5. Where the poison of hypocritical sardines cannot infect you.

Learning to swim will be easy. Porpoises will teach you everything, spending time with them will be awesome.
Learning to fly will be easy. Somersaults in the sky will be a breeze.
Learning to sms the correct thing will be easy. Benson will scold you. Evidence.

dominic - just 'cause you feel it doesn't mean it's there says: (23:21:01)
obviously it's a tad bit fucked up right?
:[·$4Super Stupid Short Fat Dirty Lying Petty Ugly Bastard:[·0 says: (23:21:43)
that's because u are fucking irritating enuff to NOT take any fucking action XD
:[·$4Super Stupid Short Fat Dirty Lying Petty Ugly Bastard:[·0 says: (23:24:02)
it's only fucked up cause u wont do naything about it wat
:[·$4Super Stupid Short Fat Dirty Lying Petty Ugly Bastard:[·0 says: (23:24:05)
so who's fault is it
dominic - just 'cause you feel it doesn't mean it's there says: (23:24:07)OH NO
:[·$4Super Stupid Short Fat Dirty Lying Petty Ugly Bastard:[·0 says: (23:24:09)
u want to do smth
:[·$4Super Stupid Short Fat Dirty Lying Petty Ugly Bastard:[·0 says: (23:24:12)
but drag and drag
:[·$4Super Stupid Short Fat Dirty Lying Petty Ugly Bastard:[·0 says: (23:24:19)
and i shld stop using that owrd

Benson never uses the F-word. So yeah. I got scolding. =). Damn happy. As in seriously. =)

I wish there were travelators. Like. Open air flat escalators. To go anywhere. Anytime. Take a walk up a long ladder. To a shop with an old Brit (and smoke from the dry ice all over). With a white beard with trimmings of black. With the best Toffees, Eclairs, Brownies and my favourite, the Fudgemallow Chocolate bar! Ok maybe not really my favourite anymore. Losing interest in it.

please excuse me but i got to ask.

2007-03-29T05:25:00.001+08:00

The cameras are everywhere.Cool. There are too many around. Oh well.
Do not watch "Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles".
Firstly, THEY DID NOT PLAY THE THEME SONG!
Secondly, THERE ISS NO SHREDDER, BEBOP AND ROCKSTEADY!
Thirdly, THERE IS NO SERIOUS COWABUNGA ASS KICKIN DUDE. TRUST ME ON THAT.
Pardon me for the outburst. But i grew up watchin the "heroes in a half shell" kick Shredder butt!

Ok Jilly' ol chum knows what was goin on. But i'm pretty sure i was playing Bubblebash.

P/S: How ugly am i? Scar on the nose. On the head. Tsk Tsk.

PP/S: Sleep Sleep. I need Sleep. Sing me a lullaby.

you've drifted off somewhere alone.

2007-03-27T03:38:00.000+08:00

I guess now passerbys have started to comment. Oh well.

PB: "Hi I'm Passerby a.k.a your personal Psychologist."

Me: "By golly gee! Hello!!".

I counted 30 camera's in City Hall. The CCTV types. Damn bloody Darren had to put that thought into my mind. Everywhere you go, there are camera's watching you. ATM Machines, the MRT Stations(tell me about it!). The government is watching us! And one dude is getting underpaid for every 20 cameras? Well go figure, start counting the cameras everytime you go out. Freaky.

1. Somehow i like feeling this way, but at the same time it feels so wrong. Enjoy.

2. Family Bonding. Nice.

when you've become inconvenient

2007-03-23T13:30:00.000+08:00

No more Staind lyrics. it's now going to be from Thom Yorke, Radiohead and Staind.

I need sleep. Badly. Not because i'm tired, but because i got to stop thinking. It's a wonder how the brain works. For example, the train of thought can be insanely long sometimes! It's irritating!
From food, to supper, to the girl you like, to getting food poisoning, to the ambulance speeding on the expressway, to getting into an accident when driving illegally, to failing driving, to Micheal Schumacher, to German Blood Sausages and Beer. You feelin me?But most of the time i keep thinking of Apple. Miss You so much. =)

Soccer was fun. Three cheers to Shaiful "Foster" Reezal. My favourite player. Best goalkeeper in the school team, Media Studies and in the future, maybe even Singapore.

I'd say, that if i ever got about to doing what i wanted to do. Or rather have the guts to. It'll have to be a repeat of the 18th of February 1979. It snowed in the Sahara Desert. =)

could it be that my habit is to find a place to hide?

2007-03-19T23:37:00.000+08:00

back to lyrics from Staind songs. =)

It's damn fun playing the solo to Queen's "Bicycle Race". Enough said. Had a good time.

BABY APPLE! Strong strong girl. Baby, you're so strong. I want Saturday morning picnics. We've only gone for four! We need to go for more! Spongebob'll miss you I'm sure. Apple pies and Ben and Jerry's? Baby's fav!

When i sat down, a tear welled.
I might not be able to see you,
Let alone hug you, and kiss you.
I want to go for the picnic with you so badly.
I promised you. I don't want to break that promise baby.
I Love you.
(in my dreams) See you on Saturday. **With a face, cold from the tears that don't know that it's for the better.**

"these are my words, that i've never said before. this is the smile, that i've never shown in awhile." Somehow, things seem nice. Fuck that, i'm not that lucky. Wait a minute, there's no such thing as LUCK. And there's no such thing as a "Happy Dominic" too.

i'm stupid.

2007-03-19T07:42:00.000+08:00

i am stupid. plain fucking stupid. stupid stupid stupid.
a fucking failure. how the hell am i going to face myself.
sigh. ok maybe it's not that bad. hell it fucking is, i blame myself.
stupid Dominic Augustine Dinesh Pereira.

It's the first time. Since like i cannot remember. But I don't like this.=(. I seriously hate this.

5 days and counting. You know what to do soon. Call in the "Mythbusters"!

I'm hooked on Zombie. But there's something else. Thom Yorke. The voice that got you hooked on "Creep", "High and Dry", "There There", "Street Spirit". But there is one song, that i think is awesome with a cherry on top and a Strawberry Milkshake from Cafe Cartel by the side! "Harrowdown Hill". I just love it. I've highlighted the parts that get me so in the mood. Seriously. I think it's damn sexed up.

"Harrowdown Hill" by Thom Yorke.

Don't walk the plank like I did
You will be dispensed with
When you've become inconvienent
Up on Harrowdown Hill
Where you went to school
Thats where I am
Thats where I'm lying down

Did I fall or was I pushed?
Did I fall or was I pushed?
And wheres the blood?
And wheres the blood?

I'm coming home
I'm coming home
To make it all right
So dry your eyes

We think the same things at the same time
We just cant do anything about it

So don't ask me
Ask the ministry
Don't ask me
Ask the ministry

We think the same things at the same time
There are so many of us
So you can't count

We think the same things at the same time
There are too many of us
So you can't count

Can you see me when I'm running?
Can you see me when I'm running?
Away from them

I can't take their pressure
No one cares if you live or die
They just want me gone
They want me gone

I'm coming home
I'm coming home
To make it all right
So dry your eyes

We think the same things at the same time
We just cant do anything about it

We think the same things at the same time
There are too many of us
So you can't count

I was lured into the back of Harrowdown Hill
It was me lured into the back of Harrowdown Hill
I was lured into the back of Harrowdown Hill
It was a slippery slippery slippery slope
It was a slippery slippery slippery slope
I feel me slipping in and out of conciousness
I feel me slipping in and out of conciousness
I feel me...

Seriously, liking someone is tough. =(. I wish you'd disappear.

church and then roller blading or whatever. can't wait!

i'm for spare parts, broken up

2007-03-18T02:17:00.000+08:00

"no wonder you got suspended for a semester"

like what happened to sensitivity? i didn't mind telling you when you asked.
yeah i'm open about it. but to say that, i can't bring myself to think of why you would. you know the scars. you know what it did to my confidence.
but cheapshot. not at all something i saw coming. all that for what? not asking a girl out. and calling myself a loser? it's the very reason i don't want to do it. you would know right? i mean you are Dr.Love right?

hey dude, not nice. not nice at all. painful actually.

"Everything must come full circle, it kills me that i feel this hurtful"

You brought back memories. I hope you don't feel angry i'm not telling this to your face. I chose not to. Just don't talk to me. I won't. I don't think i'll change my mind. =)

just 'cause you feel it, doesn't mean it's there.

2007-03-17T17:40:00.000+08:00

Sometimes i wonder if being the 'nice guy' is worth it? I'm not talking, goody two-shoes, but rather the kind that does stuff without expecting anything in return. I don't expect to get anything in return whenever i do something for whoever. Depending on the person, sometimes a "Thank You" is not expected as well. It's either this, or I've gotta do so many things to make up for the rubbish i did. I thought the suspension was a good enough punishment. These words are not swinging the way of "Nice Guys Finish Last", no way; I think nice guys are always first. They just got to stuggle. Find that inner strength. No wonder i always end up with nothing. Damnit! Haha!

Ok let's talk about the title. No, not Staind. Radiohead. Somehow assumed i felt something. Like really something. As Ernie would say, "connection.com yo". But i think, i'm making too much of it. Yeah from like seeing to now. "just 'cause you feel it, doesn't mean it's there." Mr.Pereira always get into sticky situations like this. Ok fine, this time the signs are good. But i don't like it. Secondly, i'm ugly. Thirdly, i've got bad taste and i'm fat. HAHA! AND I'M NOT A NICE GUY! But i like Fudgemellow Chocolates(Willy Wonka Eh!), but i guess too much Chocolate is bad for you. Damn i should've given you the nickname Spinach! Too much Spinach can't be bad for you!

"ZOMBIE!ZOMBIE!ZOMBIE! The song is driving me crazy, i have no idea why. And it's not even a sappy crappy love fucking song! It's a protest song! About Easter Rising. No relevance. To anything. Oh well, i like. =). MAYBE, it's because i haven't been sleeping! Nah, can't be that bad.

PS: Benson, Ally, Abner: Ni Nao Hia. Lim Bo Seng, CCB.

i am nothing more than, a little boy inside.

2007-03-15T04:40:00.000+08:00

just before getting inked. i said a prayer.
" Mother, I know I have not been faithful to the Vocation you gave me. I know i have not been the best person. But i try. This is my way of saying THANK YOU and honouring you. For being there through the troubled times. May the hands, that are tattooed, with You and Your Son do good for others. Amen."

Take a close look, the stars are not perfect. That's what you get when little kids draw stars. =). Yes, i got my cous to draw the stars. (9 of 'em). Personal choice i guess. She's going soon anyways. Something to remember her i guess?
5 hours of being prodded by 11 needles at one time. Freaky yo. Lee and Kenneth came, along with the "bunch of hoes"(quote by Ah Ken) and Dale came too! No regrets at the end! Even got the other one touched-up for free.
The Lives of Others. Go catch it. Seriously. Four and one-quarter Jellybeans. It's a very biased rating, I love foreign movies. I'm not going to give a review, too tired, and usually people skip the review. You either watch it or don't!

Jillian/Ernie/Bitch/Diva/Nigga-Chigga and Dominic/Bert/Loser/Hero/Nigga-Tigga have lameass conversations about Carebears and Shane. L Word huh. Since there's nothing in the news to blog about, except the NKF Saga, i'll leave this shit here.

dont leave me high and dry says: (05:08:06) why must be bear
dominic - girls = trouble = shane turning the correct way. RIGHT JILLIAN!? says: (05:08:07)
omg not another nick name
dont leave me high and dry says: (05:08:11) why cant it be like
dominic - girls = trouble = shane turning the correct way. RIGHT JILLIAN!? says: (05:08:14)
too many..
dont leave me high and dry says: (05:08:16) carepigs or something
dont leave me high and dry says: (05:08:18) hahahahahahahhahahahah
dont leave me high and dry says: (05:08:22) CAREPIGS IS FUNNY

P/s: IT REALLY HURTS IN THE LAST PIC.

take a wobbegong and eat the left eyeball.

2007-03-14T06:50:00.000+08:00

http://www.twothr3e23.blogspot.com

check it out. The end of the first entry. This is what crazy people do at 0230! Have talks about fat people and rap about it! I was also talking about The Power Puff Girls and Barney to someone else. What an awesome night! Anyways, i'm so tired. Did not even sleep! Omg. Off to church now. Peace.

i've mastered feeling nothing.

2007-03-13T23:21:00.000+08:00

Came across this article on Yahoo! news. Pretty interesting. And proves The Pope isn't resting on his laurels after the huge case of the married guys being ordained. WTF.Priesthood is something so sacred. Nothing like a pastor. There's no salary, there's no luxury. It's a vocation. Something that I feel has been given to me wrongly.

Pope confirms celibacy 'obligatory' for Catholic priests

Pope Benedict XVI on Tuesday confirmed in a letter to the Roman Catholic Church that priestly celibacy "remains obligatory," invoking Christ's example.

"I reaffirm the beauty and importance of a priestly life lived in celibacy as a sign expressing total and exclusive devotion to Christ, to the Church and to the Kingdom of God," reads the apostolic exhortation, the first of Benedict's papacy.

"I therefore confirm that it remains obligatory in the Latin tradition," the pope wrote in the document issued by the Vatican.

"There is a need to reaffirm the profound meaning of priestly celibacy, which is rightly considered a priceless treasure," he said.

"The fact that Christ himself, the eternal priest, lived his mission even to the sacrifice of the Cross in the state of virginity constitutes the sure point of reference for understanding the meaning of the tradition of the Latin Church," the pope's exhortation said.

The text, reflecting the conclusions of an October 2005 synod (assembly) of bishops, also reaffirms that Catholics who divorce and remarry are barred from taking communion, unless they "commit to living their relationship ... as friends, as brother and sister."

In addition, the pope exhorts "Catholic politicans and legislators ... to introduce and support laws inspired by values grounded in human nature," and urges them to reject legislation in favour of abortion, euthanasia or homosexual unions. "These values are not negotiable," he wrote.

The exhortation comes as draft leglislation is before parliament that would give legal status to unmarried couples including gays, an issue that is deeply divisive for the ruling centre-left government in mainly Catholic Italy.

Alright. Now April's fast approaching. That means school. That means back to seminary. I don't know. I mean i do miss the life. Oh well. I'll think about it. I got to concentrate on my studies first. And i do want to experience more before i go back. So i guess going back won't do me much good. I'll feel miserable, simply because. Yeah, just simply because.
Jogging was awesome today. Saw Monica's dog. He's so big, and handsome. And i keep seeing black cat's everywhere! Looks like i got to pay the SPCA a visit. Anyone up for it?

OMG, battlefield is the only thing that everyone loves. I've got to convince someone/some people that going for French class is cool. I DO NOT want to go alone. =(. A cry to whoever wants to go for French Classes @ Alliance Francaise. HAHA!

Today's line from a Staind song is so un-apt. I cannot seem to stop thinking about the shit my friends go through. I wish i could though, sometimes. But then i'd just be like the old Indian, with hair and without much of a conscience. I just wish i could help myself like how i help others. I mean if my friends like a girl, i'd help them. When i seem to like someone, it's like i don't do anything. Oh well, i guess that's quite cool to. Stupid, but cool. Cheap thrills i suppose. Diva!! Go talk to ****, then we'll finally have spoken to our favorite people to see during lunch time and anytime in school!

hypocrite opportunist, don't infect me with your poison.

2007-03-13T02:49:00.000+08:00

1. I don't know why you bother, nothing's ever good enough for you.
2. Truth hurts when it's in your face, afraid of it?
3. I don't give a fuck about all your problems.
4. Life will find a way to bring this Karma to you.
5. You've used up all your chances.
6. The devil in you i suppose.

At 2 a.m, you really have no mood to fight with people. This is my way of venting my frustrations. I am sick and tired of arguing with you. Have you come here to play Jesus? Whatever. Shove a gerbil up your ass.

Jillian, Mirza and Muneera. Congrats on your interview. Feels good to see the classmates getting IPP calls. Go for it Chiggas!

P/s: Listen to Girlfriend, by Skater Bitch and Desecration Smile by RHCP. NICE.

so crawl inside my head with me

2007-03-13T01:03:00.000+08:00

OK! So Liang Wen-Chong won the 2007 Clariden Leu Singapore Masters. Congrats. Respect to the man from Communistville.

300. Blood and Chocolate. Protege. Mr Bean's Holiday. The Pursuit of Happiness. All seem interesting. Let's go watch 'em!

Btw three and a half jellybeans for Hannibal Rising. Love the killing. And the Aunty. Sweet.

Take a look at The Sunday Times. Page 4. It's idiots like this that make Indians look bad. And it's parents like that are really good. Opting to send the dude to jail rather than the boys home. Respect. Go read it people! Page 3 is also interesting. I need to lose weight.com pls. I'm in Jillian's zone. HAHA! (Ernie! Go start a website or something. For guys with no balls.

Looks like he's going overseas again. 5th time since February. Fucking irritating. You were fucking home for less than 24 hours. And you leave again. I wish i could do something to lighten the burden. Love you. Although you think i don't Hah!

Looking forward to Wednesday! *PAIN IS NOT A FACTOR*

Results out on Monday. Whoopdeefuckingdoo. It's gonna be fun seeing how well we do. Well, not me. *gulp!* Ms Soo and Mr Azhar are fucking awesome. Thanks for such Lecturers. I just hope i get all the modules. I don't have the time not to. NOW, to worry about the deferment of NS! YIKES!

i can finally use colours for my blog. but you chipmunks aren't gonna see all that rubbish. like pink for the first line, blue for another and green for the third. Are the colours correct? I am colour blind. Haha!

the silence gets us nowhere

2007-03-11T22:22:00.000+08:00

Nothing exciting so far. Looking forward to Wednesday and Battlefield i suppose.( Lee's better than me!)
Thanks for the unexpected visit. Please leave. I need an exit. supper! battlefield! anything. to get me out of this.

Would you rather live in a Mansion(a beautiful exterior), but with cobwebs inside or a small Cottage with the warmest Broccoli soup(MY FAV btw) and the people you love.
Hands down the cottage. For me at least.

On to Hulk Hogan. I don' t care how you feel. You've been the same since last semester. When i was suspended you were an idiot. Till now you're still an idiot. But i told you you'd get your comeuppance, and i'm sure you'll get it.My words aren't as vulgar. I don't see the need to. Pipsqueak!
Making fun of me getting suspended isn't going to hurt me. You don't know what happened. =)

I don't want to go to Rome! Just understand that please. Fine $1200 paid, you'll get it back(hopefully). Just don't ignore me. Haha. =).

Very random stuff. Yeah well, it's my blog. Nincompoops.

Back to "Mission finding someone to go out with"

PS: From this post onwards, all the titles will be lines from Staind songs. Try guessing. Get 10 and i'll be extra nice.

I guess i will not shut her down anyways.

2007-03-11T02:27:00.000+08:00

Other than the frequent stomach pains, Lent has been ok.
Miss the seminary though. I knew this break wouldn't work out. I mean, i am BALD, INDIAN and BORING. I should stick to missions.(haha!)
But i'm still happy. =).

Battlefield is awesome. I won't go on. Alixues. Agree?

Certain memories came back a lil while ago. This time last year, i was totally lost. Suspension and all. Somehow i seem to have finally seen the good that came out of it. (just not looking to be a year 2 student again). It's a wonder how things change. I guess travelling opened a new chapter in life. I want to go to Rome so badly, but somehow i'd rather go back to Pattaya. But no one seems interested. I'd seriously give anything to have someone want to go with me. I mean it's not expensive! It really isn't.

I can't be bothered to go on. Man U is playing Boro, FA Cup Quarters. I got to run.

2 lines from Radiohead's "Talk Show Host" keep playing in my head.

You want me, well fucking well come and find me
I'll be waiting with a gun and a pack of sandwiches

PS: Jillian and Sarah tks for whatever u guys said abt the template. I didn't follow what you guys said. HAHA! Jillian! Now you know my password, i'll pay u 1003203023230 RUPIAH to update. Every week!

2007-02-01T13:50:00.000+08:00

Cups of coffee, cans of Redbull, a few beers here and there.
Potato chips, cigarettes and the xbox.

I can feel the pressure.

You wanna know how bad?!

I actually missed Man U annihilating Watford.

4 goals with no reply.

¡Vayamos para el título!

I haven't even shaved my head!

It's freaky!

But with friends like Mirza, Darren, Reyn and Dale to study with, you feel better.

Plus when team-mates like Denise pass you past year exams papers.

Thank You.

p/s...somehow i wish the nights weren't so stressful, like studying and not doing anything. would be good to meet you...TO STUDYYYYY

fuck this

2007-01-31T01:05:00.000+08:00

NO VULGARITIES. NO VULGARITIES.

this is so irritating!

exams exams. if only i had hair. i wouldn't have had to spend money shaving it!

and and and.

everytime i think of how i ended our friendship, i realise i was too silly.
i rushed into it, because of what i heard. now when i see you in school, and i have to pretend like i don't see you, it's stupid la. seriously, then i read your blog to look at all the times you were there for me. damn i feel like a loser. a mistake i cannot erase la. although i wish i could.

2007-01-29T23:00:00.001+08:00

argh i need to bitch and scold again.

WHY THE HELL WOULD ANYONE REQUEST SOMETHING TO BE DONE, AND GO ON TO FRICKING NOT EVEN USE MORE THAT 20% OF IT! OUT OF 17 FUCKING PAGES, ALL YOU COULD USE WAS A GENERAL DESCRIPTION OF THE TRIP?! WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU?! I PUT IN EFFORT DOING THAT. MAYBE YOU THINK YOU'RE BEING FUCKING FUNNY?! BITCH. WHY WOULD YOU DO WHAT. THAT'S LIKE FUCKING MAKING FUCKING LEONARDO DA VINCI PAINTING THE DAMN MONA LISA AND THEN FUCKING JUST BEING ACKNOWLEDGED FOR ABSOLUTELY NOTHING! WHY THE FUCK DID YOU DO IT THEN? HOW FUCKING SENSELESS AND INSENSITIVE CAN YOU BE??!!

I PUT IN FUCKING LATE NIGHTS INTO THAT. FOR OVER A WEEK! CHEEBYE.

AND YOU DON'T SAY SORRY! SORRY DOESN'T HELP ANYTHING. I'D LIKE TO SEE YOU ACCEPT A SORRY WHEN I DO SOMETHING LIKE THAT. DUMBASS. TRAILER TRASH! YOU MADE ME LOOK LIKE A FOOL. LIKE A STUDENT THAT STUDIES 24 CHAPTERS FOR A TEST THAT ONLY COVERS 2 MOTHERFUCKING CHAPTERS!

NOW, ON TO THE MAIN COURSE. GOD DAMN IT. EXAMS ARE COMING UP. THERE ARE SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO MANY THINGS ON MY MIND. LIKE HOW IDIOTIC I AM.

LIKE WHAT A COMPLETELY FUCKING LOSER I AM FOR TAKING A BREAK FROM THE SEMINARY! OUTSIDE WORLD? I KNEW I COULDN'T MAKE IT. I DON'T LIKE THE OUTSIDE WORLD. I HATE IT. I THINK THE ONLY 5 THINGS I LIKE ARE CLUBBING, PUBBING, LATE NIGHTS, SMOKING AND SPENDING MONEY A LIL EXTRA. OTHER THAN THAT I FUCKING DON'T LIKE THE OUTSIDE WORLD. THERE'S NOTHING. I PREFER THAT SHELTERED LIFE.

HELL THERE'S NO NEED FOR LOVE. LOVE AND UNICORNS. THEY FUCKING EXIST IN MY DREAMS, AND MY DREAMS ALONE. AND YES! I DREAM OF UNICORNS, BECAUSE THEY'RE EASIER TO TALK TO THAT SOME FUCKING BITCHES.

MY SINCERE APOLOGIES FOR THIS. TO PEOPLE WHO READ, DON'T BOTHER ASKING ME THROUGH THE TAGBOARD, MAYBE FACE TO FACE OR THRU A PHONE CALL. SIMPLE AS THAT, I KNOW IT'S A WEIRD ASS POST, BUT I THINK BLOGGER'S A BETTER FRIEND THAN SOME. =)

and the past sometimes just doesn't go away. i guess sometimes a tear or two won't hurt. but sometimes a tear or 2 just goes on. for an hour or two. i am really sorry.=)

something's gotta be wrong when i start typing "suicide" and "self mutilation" in Google. not that i am, but you know, you're just so damn stressed up, and you don't have someone to tell. i do, but how irritating is it to call someone and bitch? VERY!

SOMAT!

2007-01-22T23:07:00.000+08:00

Apologies for the use of profanities to come. If at all you feel the next few lines are directed towards you, then YES it is!

I fucking regret TRUSTING you.
I fucking regret CONFIDING in you.
I fucking regret HELPING you.
I fucking regret RESPECTING you.
I fucking regret LISTENING to you.
I fucking regret EVERYTHING that's you.

Ok. Apologies.

Somehow i find strength in these difficult times. Maybe I'm asking for too much. I shouldn't go to my friends when i have problems, cos it just makes me look stupid. Well i think so, what about you? It must piss them off la. I mean I'm always there, but sometimes people just run out of patience. Cannot blame them. Cos it's funny when you tell them, well not all and they just say something for the sake of it.

**You keep me going. I seriously cannot get you off my mind. I want to see you everyday. Carry you in my arms. Kiss you. Hug you. Play with you. Somersaults. Feed you. Laugh at you when you soil your pants. Have you laugh at me when you kick me. You're keeping me strong. I miss you too much. I wish I had the money to adopt you. Honestly, I'd give up everything. Even my vocation, my friends, just to come back and give you and your buddies all my time.

2007-01-21T01:18:00.000+08:00

Can't you see that I'm sick of this?
Chances are you're oblivious to how I feel
Sitting on your throne, and I'm sure that I'm not alone,
Not alone, not alone.

Tell me please,
Who the fuck did you want me to be?
Was it something that I couldn't see?
Never knew this would be so political.
And please, I'm still wearing this miserable skin
And it's starting to tear from within
But it's obvious that doesn't bother you, so please

I didn't think that you'd sell me out
Now I know what you're all about.
You might feel in control of things.
But you're not holding all the strings.
All the strings, all the strings

retail therapy helps so much.

DIVORCE.IT REALLY KEEPS THE HOUSE QUIET. NO TALKING = NO PROBLEM.

you know i thought of questioning God. then i realised he's still there. but i wish my friends were. i'm slipping. seriously i am. but imagine how the kids in the orphanages feel. the single moms out there. talking about single moms. i had this HUGE debate with ******. i don't think anything is wrong. i personally don't have a friend who is a single mom. only the cousellors cases. the details of the debate, i can't put here. but i'll be glad to let ya'll know.

12 buckle my shoe

2007-01-19T05:56:00.001+08:00

sleep sleep.

i need sleep.
there's no one online past 3 am.
ok actually there are quite a few.

so my sister is flying off for quite a long time. damn. now i''ll really be all alone. my parents have so many meetings to attend. the and my mum's flying away awhile later. then i don't have any women in my life.

holymacaroni.holymacaroni.holymacaroni.holymacaroni.holymacaroni.holymacaroni.
holymacaroni.holymacaroni.holymacaroni.holymacaroni.holymacaroni.holymacaroni.
holymacaroni.holymacaroni.holymacaroni.holymacaroni.holymacaroni.holymacaroni.
holymacaroni.holymacaroni.holymacaroni.holymacaroni.holymacaroni.holymacaroni.

misses

2007-01-18T02:24:00.001+08:00

SOMAT'S 'HEY WE'RE NOT DONE WITH THE SOMERSAULTS' LOOK

FINGERS IN NOSE AND MOUTH. I MISS THAT. I LOVE HIM. I MISS HIM.

I CLEARLY REMEMBER. WE WERE SO HIGH AFTER JUMPING AROUND.

I miss Somat quite a bit.
Heard he might be getting adopted soon. But highly unlikely.
I would hate to not see him again.
I'd give up whatever i'm doing right now just to spend one whole after noon with him.
I ain't no Micheal 'i'm sleeping with kids & yo momma so fat she better give birth to cute boys' Jackson.

well.funny things and feelings

STPMMWCMM! BSILTF.

i think i'm stupid. you know, when you have the open goal in a soccer match, and you SCREW it UP. and you know you'll never get that chance again, even though you'd LIKE to. you CAN'T, cos that chance goes to someone else! i don't know what i'm typing, quite sedated now. and i typed this for longer that usual with one finger. interesting la this injury.

anyone volunteers to update my blog? i'll buy you lunch and snacks.

GROOVY KIND OF CRUSH.

my eyes.

2007-01-10T17:36:00.000+08:00

i fucking don't need to see anything.
i fucking wanna sleep.
and i don't need fucking fake concern and what not.

i got the monkey off my back. but the circus hasn't left the damn town!

Alone, in front of the expanse of black,
Light from the side but faith no more,
A moment to ponder before I crack,
And I reach for the pain without a sore.

It eludes me, that devious and sly thought,
Leaving the notion of immense disease,
A smile - receiving the item that I sought,
But it's a lie - I'm brought to my knees.

One, the sender, blinks and turns away,
Finding solace in personal deceptions,
Letting this helpless being cry and stray,
Upon the brink of futile conceptions.

Once - just maybe - there had been the rose,
Impish grins shining to respond in aluminum,
But the heart - it feels what the mind knows,
Sensing pain in edifices and a small crumb.

Falling, now, with no signs of stopping known,
Occasional hints with the facade of light to see,
Snapping and breaking every single bone,
Yet one would see an untouched body.

Light - the purifying source of all knowledge and lies,
Those Mundane objects re-attaching mortal debts,
Here - no, perhaps there, light returns and deeply sighs,
Streaming the curling smoke of darkened cigarettes.

2006-12-16T00:56:00.000+08:00

Woah!

Has it been a long time since this thing's been updated? Well, for starters i have been busy! Juggling school and seminary is not easy. And it is not like the last time. This time i'm even more certain of it. Moving away from my parents for long term and not like the last time when i came home so often. But i know its all good. School has been awesome. Thanks to MS0502. For truly being there. Esp after knowing what the real story is and not changing opinions. It's a pity that 01 will never hear it.

The most important thing i shall blog about will be Pattaya, Thailand. The mission trip that showed me that however lucky we think we are. We are luckier. However happy we think we are. We are happier. However lousy we think we are. We are not. However life has abandoned you and left you in a ditch. It has not.

But first off. I wrote this in my old blog more than a year ago.

All for God's glory.>

Helping the poor. My dream since i was 14. The reason i joined the Redemptorists. The one thing i want to give up my life for.
Been looking for the person who actually shares such a passion.But the person has been there waiting.I thought i should plead to find someone who is willing to help the poor and sacrifice everything, but i guess i do no have to! Been slightly, ok VERY ignorant! But God, you have plans....that are simply AMAZING!!!!!

God will guide us in our endeavours and will bring us to light. Bring us to assist the poor and starving. Guide us through our studies and then bring us to do missionary work.

GOD BLESS!

The 1st of December to the 9th. An amazing sequence of events. That affected many of us. The Redemptorist Centre in Pattaya housed us. The food was good. Thank God for that. The people who came for the trip. Some of them taught a whole lot of new things. Thank you Lord for working in them!

Now about the trip itself!

The Street Children's Home. This is a place where kids between the ages of 4 to about 18 are brought into the home right of the streets. You can see children as young as 5-years-old with tattoos. Made me feel so weird la. Like this one kid had a huge tattoo on his arm and all i have are the ones on my back and Jesus on my shoulder. But then again it's life. There are girl as yound as 16 who were forced into prostitution. People may argue and say that is despicable. But i'm telling you it is part of life. It is by that experience that they have become the beautiful young girls they are at heart. One particular girl just touched me a lot. She came up to me with a piece of paper and said "Name". So i wrote Dominic. In turn she wrote. "BOWLOVEDOMINIC". And i was just so amazed. I wrote "When you learn English: I love you. SEE YOU AGAIN". And i wrote it for 4 other girls who were there as well. I told myself that during the 2 month break i am coming back, to teach these kids. To play with them and to give my free time to them. On the second day I did not want to get any kids coming to me because I did not want to feel that attachment. But it did not work. This kid came up to me. Dae was his name. I told myself, no way will I get attached to him. In the end, I kept hugging and kissing him and I just did not want to let go. As I left, he hung his head low and waved. He hung his head low and I could not see that smile. But I want to next year!

For those of you who know me deep enough, understand that however hard hearted I may seem. However hard-hearted I may be. You guys know I have an emotional side. I admit it. I do. I broke down when I had to leave the street kids home. I just did not want to leave. 2 reasons. Firstly, it was what Moses (one of the participants) told me. We come all the way here, spend a few hours with them and we go. We give them that sense of false hope. That we are coming back tomorrow, to play with them. And somehow when I heard that I kept thinking about it. And I just broke down. Secondly its how many distractions we have! What the hell are most of us lacking? Our parents provide for us. Yet we complain. I was guilty of that. I used to want to move out of my house so badly. To a bigger place, because I thought the girl I was going out with would like it more and I cared more about face. Now I don’t care. I’ve given up my life for missions. I still hope to meet someone who is as interested in missions as I am. So far no one. Well no one who I would want to travel with anyways. Not including the seminarians and Fr. Simon.

Well then, this was all that took place from the 2nd day to the 4th.

The orphanage. The place where all the little kids are left. From as young as 9 months to about 4. First day was horrible. Not one kid came up to me. Its hilarious how they run away from you when you approach them, but somehow they just don’t want to come to you. But the next day Somat just came to me. It’s funny how we met. I bumped into him and he fell down. He started to laugh and I followed. Then he started to introduce himself by sticking his middle and index fingers into his mouth and the index finger on the other hand into his nose. So I put two fingers in my mouth and whistled. Basically, every time he was with me and we weren’t running around and doing cartwheels and back flips, he would unsuccessfully try to whistle. I would laugh at him and he’d laugh at me too! I’d swing him around and go crazy. But as I learnt to love this kid even more, I couldn’t visit him on the last day because of my fever. As much as I would have loved to kiss him goodbye one last time, I did not dare allow myself to pass any type of sickness to these innocent little ones.

The story behind all of these kids has violence or heartache on their side all over. There are some of the kids who are products of the White men who come from all parts of the world looking for a business trip. These men are usually married and have a perfect family at home. But they have mistresses in Thailand. They sleep with them, get them pregnant and leave. And these women the men sleep with are maybe between 19 and 25. They do no know what to do, and so they leave these babies at the Redemptorist Orphanage. Just like how the old CHIJ used to work. It’s ongoing in Pattaya.

Well that is about it as far as missions go. There was still the visit to the zoo that totally didn’t sit well with me. Torture of animals. Utter disrespect to great men like Steve Irwin, Jeff Corwin and Sir David Attenborough. But then again, its only there for the money. Nothing else.

Well usually during a mission trip you learn a lot. But something Padre said during his daily mass homily really made me think again. He was talking about mistakes and how we choose to hold onto them. But yet Jesus chose to forgive us. He said, that there are people out there who have more problems, yet they do not stumble! I realized that with all my problems, I let them control me. I got angry for nothing. I chose to hurt the very peole I loved dearly. Rubbish! I was wrong. And after that I went up to him and I told him that I was praying for an answer to a question and he just showed it to me during the Doxology. The moment I looked at the Eucharist I knew that I had an answer that would also give me strength. A wonderful presence is the Eucharist. That is why we Catholics believe that it is truly the body of Christ. I heard something tell me to continuously pray for the strength to go forth and seek forgiveness. But somehow it seems a mountainous task.

Well as some of you know, my theme for Christmas is “Forgiveness. Both seeking it and Practicing it.” I have been wanting to seek forgiveness/start afresh with 3 people. Firstly, my Godma. I know she is a good woman. Maybe she has her own opinions, but I don’t care. I want to start afresh with her. Secondly, my Grandmother. I have not spoken to her for 6 years I think. Ignoring her during parties and gatherings have become the norm, and I think its time I stopped, because carrying such a grudge is not worth it. Thirdly is Jess. After all the shit that happened. All the anger and all that went down. I came to a conclusion that I wanted to clear everything. I did not want to bear this cross all my life. As a seminarian I should not have such crosses to bear. As a priest it would not be healthy to bear such a burden. But it won’t be easy, and a one time “hey I’m sorry”. But it seems so difficult. Well I tried unblocking and adding her on MSN again, but somehow the keyboard seems to be missing the keys, HI and HEY.

Benson. Blessann. Ming Yi. Denise. Shaiful. Candy. Reyn. Abner and Dale. Thank you so much for hearing me out yesterday. I meant my toast when we opened our beer. I just felt that it was time to let some of the people around me know why I did what I did. As wrong as it was, its people like you who have given me that second chance. Thank you very much. Oh and by the way, we won 9-2, but it was fun, given that it was my first match since my last operation.

Ok and finally. If at all you feel that anything here keeps you thinking, please let me know. Let me help you if you have a desire for mission. If you need to pray let me know. If you feel anything is incorrect or if you have opinions let me know. If this post has affected you, let me know. I feel this post could affect some people, and that the only reason I blogged about it.

Do not let something stop you from achieving what you want. Do not be afraid to make mistakes. I have made a shitloads of mistakes. But I don’t act like it did not affect me and hide from them. I faced them and proved people wrong. And the very people who had doubted me are definitely less happier than I am. Oh and if you feel that you are happier than me, then good for you. Because I think I am happy. And I’m happy if you are happy.

Lastly. I shaved. I went to Thailand, I told myself I’d come back as a new person and going bald was the first step. Seeking forgiveness and starting a new are the second steps at the moment. But I need time

2006-07-30T20:46:00.000+08:00

i dont like blogger anymore dinesh. its irritating. and i AM online. but rather than appearing offline, i decided to block the girl who asked me whether i hab done my mktg work not. HAHAHA.

and for goodness sake, next sunday please leave your house at EEEELEVEN rather than 11:18 okok? you anyhow think that the bendy bus driver going to zoomzoom fast fast but in the end slow like karwei. i dont know why. just damn random. HAHA. ive never seen karwei rush around.

and then uh. you uh. are terrible i tell you. rather smoke than help me hail a cab. and it was raining la omg! PFFFTT. HAHA.

and and and! YOU KNOW WHAT HAPPENED. not enough that we went into church late and missed opening hymn, opening prayer but we realised that the priest serving mass was father simon pereira! and dinesh got super paiseh bout it and wanted to leave church straight after mass cos he was afraid that father would ask him to join him for lunch!

see dinesh, i told you olps is cold. and the best part was the warden gave us seats directly underneath the aircon.

olps has damn noisy kids i tell you. really! in front got this boy who was putting his mum's and dadd's hand on his head. then behind had this boy who was pulling his dad's ear. and on the left had this boy who was clingingggggg onto his dad's shirt.

christ.

you know uh! that dinesh kept on making fun that my slippers were ugly!

but he dont know his own monkey shoes so weird with red and black laces! HAHAHA.

long bus rides are good with a 60GB ipod. yesyes. HAHA. and we didnt listen to icp's fuck the world cos we had just gone to church. (insert image of dinesh and misso with halos above head) LOL.

republic food court was uber duber muber crowded la omg. and dinesh lost his appetite straightaway so we gave up the idea of eating there. and then we were walking around aimlessly before deciding to eat at cine's cafe cartel.

DINESH TAKES MOTHERFUCKING LONG TO DECIDE WHAT HE WANTS TO EAT/DRINK LA OMGGGGGG. had to wait till the cows came home. okay random. but i had cow lasagne! good stuff i tell you, really really. and after deciding so long know what dinesh got! FISH AND CHIPS. ppffffftt.

but the fish was damn big. really. until he couldnt finish it. and he so didnt feel guilty that he was wasting food. my peach drink was niceeee.

walked to wheelock after that cos he wanted to see shades. and the sun was scorching bright. and i was whining that i should have brought shades. and then he quipped, yeah i also wanted to bring shaed but i was thinking you so lazy confirm wont bring bag where i can put it in. morrrrrroon. HAHA.

walked back to wisma's starbucks after that cos wheelock's coffeebean and starbucks were packed like shit. mango frap is good! not like caramel which tastes like crapppp. HAHA.

bus back home and dinesh got damn tickled when we saw this road called KALLANG PUDDING ROAD. HAHAHA. plus plus he thought the bus was wobbly gobbly. then while crossing the overhead bridge, there was this convo.

dinesh: eh you help me redo my blogskin kay. put our that jam&hop photo but put a picture of a monkey on your face.

misso: kay fine. you find for me picture of monkey la.

dinesh: you go to the mirror and take a picture of the reflection. HAHAHA.

misso: HAHAHA. moron. eh eh eh you want to see a picture of a baboon! *rummages inside bag*

then dinesh comes closer and i place my small mirror in front of his face.

HAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHHAHA. STUPID DUMBASS. you really thought i had a picture of a baboon in my bag! stupppiddddd.

the monkey and the baboon! HAHAHA.

he was like, eh take emo photo. then my face was damn cramped please. HAHAHA.

yesssssss. coooooooooool. HAHAHAHA.

OKAY BYE BYE ALLEGED BF. DONT BE UPSET THAT IVE GOT A NEW TARGET. (: C-O-O-L!

2006-07-22T19:34:00.000+08:00

AMANDA
(Female - Latin)
Worthy of Love

you know, its kinda cool that i have four other blogs under my account besides my niceroundass one. ive got xin's, amandaho's, yunjie's and now my alleged boyfriend! BEAMS.

i dont know how you can tahan typing in such small fonts. really. okay thats random. but well, curry instant NOOOODS get you higher than tomyam. really. it was a scientifically proven fact.

Dinesh Pereira says:
if u wanna scold felicia...

MANDA. says:
whos felicia?!

Dinesh Pereira says:
tt 35 yr old who is tryna get me into bed with her

MANDA. says:
oh.

Dinesh Pereira says:
pls go ahead.and scold her.
take the responsibility!
haha!

its kinda sick/amusing/lovey/drama when you start to think about it. really. i mean, fine i did use to go out with a cousin, but.. this felicia is motherfucking 16 years his senior la what the bloody hell. sosososo wrong. much more wronger than shots going for 15bucks rather than just 5.

i want to feel sad that my alleged boyfriend is actually entertaining this woman but im not. really. im more.. erm. awed by the glare of the sun because i know people who wear shades when its not even sunny.

i still think curry instant noods are cool. especially when i add a egg in it. wait, i added only the egg white and not the egg yolk, no point but yes. and it reminds me of that first night when i pubbed with dinesh and her puked after eating tomyam noodles. and i confiscated his cigarettes and spread-ed the love by sliding them under pizzahut's glass door.

which reminds me, you still owe me dinner at republic hallo?

and then and then. i just went to W's blog and saw her totally chink typing that i giggled and tickled my toes while slurping my soup. and after that i went to A's blog and saw what he bought for his girlfriend that i felt so happy that my wallet isnt shitass pink.

oh plus plus plus. the fact that its a smaaaall world afterrr all. like how B's girlfriend is actually related to V. and that and that she wasnt shy to admit it.

which is kinda cool actually. cos some girls (for example, maybe me) would just deny. eh wait. i might. or might not. depends on the guy i think. i think.

and i still want to go to masscomm cos media in nyp is so fucked. plusplus i cant stand business modules. AND we have to take some stats shit module next sem which is going to be pure hell. pure as in 100%, without any extra ingredient.

and i think that.. if i get anything more than just a guidance program for that case, i'd prolly just quit nyp straight away and wait for the JPSAE next year. which could be kinda cool since i can drag my own bestie to that course. provided she gets an A that is.

anyway hoo ha how. do you think its better than an older relative completely ignores you because of a mistake you made? or they constantly nag/yell/remind you bout your mistake?

i dont know. really.

suddenly i think that real gelatio icecream might cure my guilt. not fake ones next to centrepoint! eew. they looked like specks of paint falling off the wall. right dinesh?

coldplay

2006-07-10T23:57:00.001+08:00

COLDPLAY WAS AWESOME!!!!
So so awesome!!!
What a drama to get tickets.E-bay and Yahoo auctions had tickets going for $500.Keving got his for $180 and he got mine from the box office.So i feel sad for that sucker who paid $500 when they were still selling tickets.
Kevin paid for my tickets.But i owe him $170.
Met 2 of his childhood buddies.And it was damn good company.
Backstreet Boys!Coldplay sung a song for them.How funny.Kevin and friends were making fun of me for going.
But not my fault right.I went what.And when they sang that song to the backstreet bitches.It was classic!
The wait.Bloody 1 and a half hours la!Of guys both Asian and white coming on stage.Doing last minute checks.
And then it started.
Think speed of sound music video.It was the exact same thing.With the lights and lasers.So damn good!Every song had quality.
Chris Martin + Jon Buckland + Will Champion + Guy Berryman =One Awesome group of performers.They played to the crowd so damn well.Chris Martin even threw his fricking digi cam into the crowd.

I've only got about 2 not very interesting pictures.Will upload them the moment i get them.

Oh and Laurie.I called you to ask you to listen to Fix You.Jill and Anteaus, your phones spoilt ah!?Or its my fault because i don't know how to conference.So LARRIS listened to them play Fix You.Awesome.

Oh and Jamie.I'm so so so so sorry for whining and getting all drama.I did not mean to.I just felt very weird.But i did it and i do not know why.I'm sorry.=).Peace!

coldplay

2006-07-10T23:57:00.000+08:00

Friday!!!!

2006-07-07T22:57:00.000+08:00

Bad day!!
Bus breaks down.
Car gets scratched.(NOT MY FRICKIN FAULT)
Forgot to meet Aunt J at the airport.Got ticked off for that.

and and

I kinda erased that feeling.It's a bad bad day.

coldplaaaayyyyyyyyyyy!!!!wooohoooo!!!!!

I miss having dogs around

2006-07-03T23:55:00.000+08:00

I miss having dogs around the house.I mean i've had dogs since i was young.Had good friends who had dogs.Been best of buddies with a dog.Suddenly i was watching this guy taking his dog out for a walk and then i realised i miss dogs.And it's sad that the last 2 had to die in accidents.A beautiful Alsatian and a chihuahua.How they got along.Like brother and sister they were.But i left them alone.And then *BANG*.I miss dogs.They used to be the best shoulders to cry on, the best bitches to bitch to and the best friend any teenage kid desires for.I mean, if i had to choose what type of girl i had to go out with. I would choose someone who loves dogs dearly.Someone whose shared her feelings with a dog.I'm not saying she's gotta be obsessed with them, that she pays more attention to them than me la.But someone whose cool with this.And no this is not a freakin advertisement for a girlfriend.I was just saying if i had to choose.HAHA!But if anyones interested in passing me their dog.Please call me.Not now.But say like in november.=).